In the previous entry,  On Baptism…, I discussed the evolution of words in the Bible (…see? It is possible to have “evolution” and “Bible” reside in the same sentence in perfect harmony…) by showing the difference between “bapto” and “baptizo” and how they related to VeggieTales’ Larry the Cucumber (…which, by the way, has actually been baptized and is, in fact, a pickle; this explains why he seems to stay the same age all the time. But since he’s of German descent, he’s been baptized as a Cinnamon Sweet Pickle…which explains his sweet disposition and the fact that he doesn’t stink…as for his vibrant green colour: makeup!!!).

As the beginning of the Advent season opens, Catholics everywhere are probably getting headaches as they start using a new english translation which deviates from what they have been accustomed to for the past few decades. This is in order to have the english be closer to the original Latin vulgate. Those who are of spanish-speaking services should have an easier time with the new terminology and phrasing since most of the phrases seem to fit what I learnt when I used to go to spanish services as a kid.

Needless to say, Sunday was filled with mumbles as certain well-known prayers were reworded and will continue to get soft whispers (…kind of like what we do in songs we don’t know all the lyrics to…) for the next few weeks as we get used to the new words. Now, an old tactic in singing, if you didn’t know the words to a song, was to mouth “watermelon, watermelon, watermelon” (…though, it might seem suspicious if the whole congregation does it at exactly the same time AND/OR actually says the word out loud…)

Arrrgh! It's a Killer To-- ...Dude! Really???

The Catholics are not the first to attempt a literal translation. Many have tried, including computers (…and various countries attempting to help out their American guests…), but few have succeeded. One was rumoured to have attempted to test the accuracy of a translation programme by entering “Grapes of Wrath” to which came the result of “Angry Raisins” (…Now, this may be a good title to a weird, cheap sequel for the weird, cheap movie, “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes” but not for John Steinbeck’s classic book…).

I decided to compile a humourous list of several attempts to overcome the language barrier.

1. In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

2. In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

3. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursdays.

4. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

5. From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

6. In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

7. In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

8. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

9. In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

10. In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

Celebrate not Celibate!!!

So with that being said, and seeing that any translation, especially over time, can have inaccuracies, would it be upsetting if a well-loved bishop, when he arrived in Heaven, was allowed to visit the religious archives without any pollution of translations to see what the Word originally stated and discovered that the word was “celebrate” not “celibate” as many thought?

Mmmm... Watermelon Pie, Amen.

Maybe I’ll keep praying this week that we may learn the new mass settings soon  (…”watermelon, watermelon, watermelon”…hopefully without ending up craving watermelon pie for dessert…)   and get through without totally botching up the service and without whispering or mumbling our way through the prayers.

Now, I’m tempted to continue this humourous entry, and really should, but as it is written in the Bible: “The Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak”.

(…sadly, when translated into Russian then back into english, this apparently comes out as “The wine is good, but the meat is rotten”…)